The Olympics of Whack: Strieber Versus Pinchbeck, Round 1

Author and dope fiend altered-consciousness guru Daniel Pinchbeck has run afoul of alien-abduction enthusiast Whitley Strieber, just as the latter’s new novel, 2012: The War for Souls, has landed in bookstores. Both Strieber and Pinchbeck are working some of the same deeply weird territory. Strieber argues that alien visitors walk among us and will be revealed in 2012. Pinchbeck insist several centuries of rational progress will be undone—in 2012!—when Aztec deity Quetzalcoatl stages a comeback (psychedelic drugs will help us all get down with this) . Both have posted equally deranged blog accounts of their snit (Pinchbeck here; Strieber here), which occurred this month on the radio show that Strieber hosts. Pinchbeck’s is less humane but more entertaining. Here’s a tidbit: “I told Strieber that I thought he had been manipulated by alien entities that do not have the best interests of the human species at heart.”

Honestly, Dan, have they ever? We all know that Strieber’s “visitors” are responsible for the subprime mortgage meltdown and Barry Bonds.

FOLLOW UP: Pinchbeck has hit Hollywood, and hit it hard. Michael Mann will reportedly be producing a movie, based on Pinchbeck’s 2006 book, Return of Quetzalcoatl. Our sources at the LA Times, where there’s a profile of Pinchbeck in the works, say it’s scheduled for release in 2009.

Is There a Statute of Good Taste on Re-Imaginings?

It saddens us to relay this information, but Variety is reporting that Doug Liman will be producing an oh-so-gritty-and-presumably-ironic rework of—brace yourselves—Knight Rider for NBC. Back-door TV movie pilot to be followed by full-fledged series in fall 2008. Details are sketchy, but we’re assuming an extremely significant product-placement opportunity here for the new K.I.T.T., most likely in the form of a talking Chevy Volt squaring off against the very best petroleum-chugging, smog-spewing, axis-of-evil set of wheels the Iranians have on hand (perhaps the Khodro Samand LX with the fatwa package?). The burning question: Who will voice the dashboard? Given Liman’s track record, we figure even money between Vince Vaughn and Angelina Jolie. Expect overwhelming CGI, and of course Transformer-esque vehicle battles tweaked for the small box.

NASA Mission Uses Technology Perfected by ABC during the Carter Administration

Who knew that the recently launched Dawn asteroid probe’s ion-drive engines use technology that NASA reverse-engineered from Star Wars? We’re not kidding—the “TIE” in TIE fighter stands for “twin ion engine.” Actually, the design was developed by Nazi rocket scientist, UFO booster, and ultra-nationalist German right-winger Hermann Oberth (so there, don’t you wish George Lucas had thought it up?). Dawn has three of these babies, but still takes four days to accelerate from 0-60 mph, scarcely enough to keep Luke from blowing up the Death Star, much less redefining the future of interstellar travel. Devotees of the 1979 Andy Griffith vehicle Salvage 1, whose number may not even include Griffith himself, will recall that this gradual-acceleration gambit (called the “Trans-Linear Vector Principle,” and we dare the brain trust at JPL to do any better) was what enabled a fortune-hunting junkyard owner to journey from Earth to the Moon in order to recover the priceless artifacts that the Apollo astronauts left behind, such as Alan Shepard’s golf balls.

Now We Know What Really Happened to Starbuck

Yeah, it was on network air, and yeah, some of the line-readings set a new standard for clunkiness, and yeah, it’s sad that original bionic babe Lindsey Wagner is shilling Sleep Number beds at 3 a.m., but the debut of Bionic Woman, NBC’s new distaff cyborg noir, was actually pretty tasty fare. Worth noting that David Eick, fresh off a cult hit but ratings dud with Battlestar Galactica, carried premier night with the 18-49 demo, according to the L.A. Times. Also good to know that BSG’s Katee Sackhoff (BW’s psychopathic beta launch) can chew the scenery just as ruthlessly in stormy Vancouver San Francisco as on a nuked, Cylon-occupied Vancouver Caprica. Whoa Nellie! Is there an actress in all of sci-fidom who can stand her ground against this blonde bundle of ham? Maybe Claudia Black.

Best line of the episode:

Will (supergenius son-of-Frankenstein boyfriend, following first bionic sex) to Jaime (better, stronger, faster and flushed from first bionic orgasm): “You’re hardwired for specialized warfare!”

Let’s give it a chance and see what develops in the show’s frozen mountaintop lairs and cobalt-lit underground labs. Drinking game to play while watching: Toss back a shot every time a cast member from BSG slips into the frame.